I’m baffled

So, I’m sitting here shaking my head.  I’m wondering why people chose to do crazy things to lose weight?

Trust me – I’ve tried them all.  I’ve tried every tactic and trick in the book to lose weight QUICKLY.  However, this only happened AFTER I lost my 100lbs.  Can you believe that at 169lbs I still thought I was fat?  I still believed I had to lose more – I HAD JUST LOST 103lbs. But it’s because of society and my own self hatred that I felt the need to be THINNER.  NOW almost two years after I was my lowest weight, here I am frustrated and ready to get back at it again.

You know how many times I’ve restarted my weight loss over the last year?  Do you know how many times I wish I was where I was on May 2nd 2012? I just mentally yelled at myself to STOP BRINGING UP THE PAST!  Who CARES where I was back in 2012?  Since my weight loss journey I have become a more confident, stronger individual who now realize my weight dictates NOTHING!!!

I can be who I want to be RIGHT NOW!! As long as I have the passion and the determination to succeed – I will.

I’m not going to lie – I’m an emotional eater.  January 2013 my aunt passed away and then in July my Nan passed away.  I struggled so much when my Nan died.  Not that I didn’t (don’t) miss my Aunt… the passing of my Nan absolutely tore my heart out of my chest and devestated me.  I turned to food.  I was sad, I always cried and I pushed many of my friends and family away.

But everyone knows my story, everyone knows the struggles I’ve dealt with.  Everyone knows I’m once again overweight.

However, here’s the bright side – IM FINE WITH IT!! Well, not my weight per se, but.. I’m not going to let ANYTHING, ANYMORE dictate my success.  I’m not going to let certain individuals make me feel like crap anymore.

I am who I am.  I work hard, I believe in myself NOW and I’m ready to help others reach their weight loss goals WHILE working towards mine.  And I am no longer going to be worried that I’m being judged because I call myself a health coach.

I’m doing exactly what I want to do.  I’m running my own business.  I’m taking charge of my life.  I am, a health coach.

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My confessions

So I just posted a very long status update on Facebook.  Pretty much feeling the need to explain my weight gain.

WHY?
Please help me understand why I still feel the need to explain everything that needs to do with weight loss/weight gain?  I feel like it’s a vicious cycle.  I hate constantly worrying about what others think of me.  Why do I even care?  I shouldn’t.  The only opinion that matters is mine.. but what if I’m my own worst enemy?  This is a problem.

Why do we struggle so much with self acceptance?  Why can we not just be happy with who we see in the mirror?  I need to learn to truly love myself.  Remember my previous entry.  We all need to explore the meaning of true self love.  It is achievable.  I know it, I’ve experienced it.  Unfortunately, due to recent challenges, my self acceptance and self love has deteriorated a little bit.

However, it shouldn’t have.  I should still instill the confidence I once had.  I should still SMILE, LAUGH, SHOUT, DANCE, DREAM exactly the way I did when I was at my lowest weight.  I’m going to work on it.

I’m going away to Punta Cana on the 17th.  I’m so excited.  Sure, I’m not going to be able to wear the bathing suit I bought in July.. but that’s okay with me.  I have my normal bathing suit, but I’m OKAY with wearing that one.  I’m going to enjoy this trip.  I’m going to go to the Dominican with a smile on my face and faith in my heart that I’m going to have an amazing time with my family.  I’m going to enjoy sitting pool side with my son.  I’m going to shut out all negativity that surrounds me.  I’m not going to worry about what others think of me in a bathing suit.  I’m going to laugh, eat, drink and be merry.  

I’ve already set a goal, and I went public with it on Facebook.  When I return (give or take a few days) I’m dedicating myself to recommitting to the strict, healthy life.  I’m going to be FIT BY 30.  March 28th 2014 I say goodbye to my 20’s..  I start a new Chapter in my life… the dreaded dirty 30..lol.  I remember how motivated and excited I was when I first embarked on my weight loss journey back in 2011. So I’m going to have that same excitement and dedication during the last half of my weight loss journey.

It’s going to be a lot of sacrifices.  I will need a lot of will power.  But I’ve done it before.  No reason I can’t do it again – I WILL do it again.

I’m ready.
Are you ready?
I’m doing it.  
Goodbye to the “fat girl” I feel like.. and hello to the wonderful, amazing, healthy, fit chick I’m going to be.

Those days…

Ever have those days where it starts off GREAT and gradually as the day goes by, the greatness starts to fade?

Yeah… today’s one of those days.  I’m still truckin’..I’m unsure if it’s the rainy, cold day… But this sucks!! Ha! Ha!

We all have to get through these kind of days.  I just finished dinner, but I’m still hungry.  I downed a glass of water and I’m still hungry.  I’m not in a vegetable kind of mood today.  I stress how important it is to eat your vegetables… but I’ve only had one serving today.  I believe today is just an off day.  I’m still proud of myself that I got up this morning and went to the gym.  I’ve eaten healthy today – however, I do feel the portions were a bit larger than they should be.  But that usually happens when I workout first thing in the morning.  I prefer to actually workout in the evenings.  On the weekends, I tend to go to the gym first thing in the morning, or else sometimes the workout never happens.

My goal this coming week is to get to the gym every night.
I’m not pressuring myself to spend hours at the gym, but at least work on getting in 30 minutes of physical activity each night.  Physical activity is very important to get in daily.   It doesn’t have to be much, but aim for at least 30 minutes a day.  

I just LOVE when a friend texts me to tell me she’s getting ice cream.. damn you woman!! Now all I’m thinking about are those delicious ginger molasses cookies again. Haha

What I’m trying to get across by this blog entry is that everyone has these kind of days.  Sure, since my Nan passed away these kinda days keep happening unfortunately.  Emotions are something hard to control – however, what we can control is how we cope with these emotions.

I’m far from perfect – hense why the last three months my weight loss has been at a stand still.. BUT.. I chose not to give up!  I still went to the gym, drank my water, took my vitamins and tried to not emotionally eat.  Life is one big challenge, but we’re all going to die one day.  We need to ensure we live the best life.

Now with just saying that, a thought crossed my mind.
“If we are going to die one day … why WORRY so much if we gain a pound or two?”

I don’t have the answer for that.  I believe everyone has their own answer to that question.  I find myself asking that question to myself many days.  I ask myself “Why are you so hard on yourself when really, your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters..”

We live in a society today where appearance is a main factor on how you’re treated.
So all I can say is this, just be the best YOU you can be each day.  This way if you die tomorrow, you know you gave it your best shot.